al Qaeda affiliated cell broken up in Saratoga CA

PRESS RELEASE

al Qaeda affiliated cell broken up in Saratoga CA

For immediate release (AP [Amateur Press] Saratoga, CA)

Saratoga, CA—April 17th, 2007

In the early hours of the morning of April 17th, 2007, agents from the Department of Homeowner Security confirmed that weeks of quiet counter-insurgency work had finally paid off with the death of two members of an al Qaeda affiliated cell working in Saratoga CA. The cell, a member of the little known group calling itself RAT (arabic for “Resistance Movement for Allah"), was loosely affiliation with al Qaeda, says agent Flix Estrada of DHS who was present on the scene.

Their capture and death is the culimnation of weeks of careful counter-insurgency operations. “We used what we learned from operations in Iraq and used it against the terrs!” says agent Flix Estrada. “We devised several SASDs [Self-Activating Snapping devices] charged with almond butter, since the terrs can’t resist almond butter. Once their little grabby paws touched the trigger mechanism, the trap would be sprung, crushing the prey. If they weren’t dead by the time we found them, a quick shot from a silenced .17 calibre pistol to the head would dispatch them to the land of 72 virgins!”

On their persons, agents found an assortment of WMDs. Says agent Estrada, “We found HE warheads, still in their blue shell, and what looked like a partially constructed nuclear device, similar in shape to a “Fat Boy” bomb dropped on Nagasaki in 1945. These guys were well on their way to achieving their final goal!”

Operations are still ongoing, to clear out the remaining RAT cells, but agent Estrada is confident that the primary cell is disrupted and on the run. After weeks of nerve wracking attention, even Estrada’s dog is calming down.